Almost does count

The moment my life changed was six years ago.
It changed in the armpit of an almost stranger.

I believed he would be the man I’d share life with.
Instead, he became an almost lover.

We were naked. He was lying on the bed and his arms were crossed under his head. We were looking at each other. I looked at his armpit and heard myself say: “I want to snuggle in there.” I heard this with a delay, while I was already doing so—laying my head down, snuggling in his armpit. There was a pause in his breathing, and then he wrapped his arms around me. We must have fallen asleep like this.

It was a tiny moment, but for me, it was a miracle.
I had forgotten how it feels when what you feel, think, say, and do are aligned. I had forgotten how it feels when there is no gap anymore, no voice that comments on what you should be doing differently.
I had longed to be like this.

It was not this moment though that changed my life. I did not wake up the next day and suddenly was an aligned or gap-less person.
But I knew now that it was possible.

I started to change; I started to close gaps between how I was and how I wanted to be.
It took some time and is still ongoing. In the beginning, I changed in the hope of being with him one day. Until not being with him finally became a gap itself.

Sometimes we need somebody to experience whom we can also be.
Sometimes we need somebody to start changing.
I believe this is what almost lovers are really there for.


picture by Joachim Gern

About the author
Mirjam Grupp writes crime series under the pen name Mira Roth. 90% of her episodes are love stories in disguise. She is currently working on a book titled “Almost Does Count” where she explores the positive impact that almost lovers can have on our becoming and how heartbreak can lead to a personal breakthrough. It is previewed to appear mid 2019. Find Mirjams visual diary on Instagram.

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